The day arrived and we, a group of about ten students, wandered to the psychiatry ward on the ground floor of the hospital. The place had a eerie feel to it. We would not know who’s a patient there or who wasn’t. Timidly we enquired about where & to whom did we need to report. We were directed to a consultant’s room where were made to stand in a line facing the consultant. He was slouching on his armchair. Parched white face, thin lips, hair long, oiled and thrown back; and an expression suitable perhaps for the outer space or another world. Suddenly he emerged from his interstellar thoughts & asked:
“Third year students?”
“Yes sir”, we replied in unison & with optimism.
“Hmm”, he was barely audible & then returned to his thoughts. It was a long time, he may have travelled around some imaginary planet before he returned and uttered:
“Third year. Ok. Go to Dr Gupta (not real name) he will take your class.”
This premonitory introduction should have revealed to our naïve minds the nature of days to come. Each day was eventful and, in retrospect, very fascinating. There were encounters with patients, with patients posing as well meaning relatives of other patients and with most other consultants.
The outcome of the posting was that all probability of my considering a career in psychiatry was shattered into pieces. I concluded that the life & work environment of psychiatry practice was too overwhelming for people to stay sane. However, I didn't consider that the individuals opting for a career in mental health were already predisposed to be affected by it. And I did challenge myself by thinking that I was generalizing too much and that 2 weeks of spending time in a place was too short to make any judgement (leave alone diagnose) on people who are running the show. So I kept my mind & eyes open in the years that followed. I came across may a psychiatrists & psychologists - as friends or as colleagues - during my life as a doctor; barring a few exceptions my opinion was only reiterated that there was something peculiar or odd about their personalities.
Being fascinated by the subject of mind I started reading about & the works of some iconic figures in the fields - Carl G Jung, Sigmund Freud, etc - not only to learn from their knowledge but also to get a glimpse into their minds. To my surprise both these great leaders in the fields also demonstrated quirks in their personality & thought process. While Jung used to have visions, some vivid dreams, hypnogogic phenomenon and a clear acknowledgement of two personalities, Freud was too obsessed with sexuality and would explain every psychological disturbance in a person on the basis of some childhood sexual complex or event; he also showed some traits of neurosis in his behaviour.
I have seen psychiatrists & psychologists showing signs of depression, anxiety, narcissism, substance abuse, etc. Even the ones who appear perfectly normal & stable from far reveal some weak areas on close exploration. It is probable that because of their own demons & instabilities they get drawn to the profession of mental health - with a desire to help others & to help themselves.
"Am I being biased & judgmental ?" I thought to myself. And this self-doubt made me explore this subject further. I started looking at everyone - all those who were not psychiatrists - other doctors, other professional, general public - basically everyone around. My observations startled me. Everyone, yes everyone is prone to depression, to anxiety, to delusional thoughts, to illogical behavior, to hypochondria, to a degree of mania, to some narcissism, etc. Basically everyone is slightly mad - at some time or even all the time. So not just psychiatrists but philosophers like Neitsche, composers like Mussorgsky, leaders like Hitler, painters like Van Gogh, etc., they all exhibited some traits of madness.
The emotions or feelings of depression, anxiety, phobia, obsession, delusions, etc are to an extent normal & experienced by everyone sometime or the other. They become abnormal when they become severe in intensity & prolonged enough to cause distress to the individual & interfere with person's normal functionality & pursuit of life. So the abnormality does not exist in the quality of the feelings but the quantity & duration of the feelings. We are all given to imagine things but when the imagination becomes so strong that the person starts perceiving things - hearing sounds, seeing imagery, etc. then it becomes hallucination. It may be safe to say that a psychiatric illness may be just an extreme state of normal mind but of a nature whose magnitude & duration is beyond the voluntary control of the person.
How does it help to know this ?
Knowing the functioning of human mind not only helps understand others but also ourselves. Everyone goes through phases of emotional distress & sometimes awkward behavior or introversion. An awareness of plethora of disturbing emotions & feelings will make us more empathetic towards others & will provide us a clarity of thought to deal with our own situation.
Some madness is good for growth - it provides creativity & drive to do thing different & better. Look at all the successful institutions, businesses, corporates, etc., and it’s very likely that you may find a slightly mad man as the top leader.
So if you find a mad streak in yourself, don’t shun or shy away from it, embrace it & channelise it to make your life better, to achieve something great.
Lastly, if you do feel overwhelmed by your emotions, thoughts or situation, don't hesitate to reach out to a friend, a counselor or even a psychiatrist. You are very likely to get an empathetic response from them because they themselves may be familiar with what you are going through.
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